Welcome to the Radiant Soul Sisters Podcast!
Episode #24
Today my guest is Lisa Speers, Founder of The Evolving Nest
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If you want to read the transcript, check it out below:
Susan
Oh my goodness listeners you are in for a real treat today. I have here on this episode, my friend, Lisa Speers. I happened to meet Lisa in Richfield, Connecticut when I went to record my four episodes of Better Than Gossip. Richfield is absolutely beautiful in this quaint small town that has amazing restaurants. I’d gotten into Richfield and wasn’t going to meet up with the team from Better Than Gossip until later that evening. I was starving. So I headed out on the way to find a great restaurant when I learned that Lisa Speers who was with Better Than Gossip at that time was on her way to lunch. We met on a sidewalk in our big heavy winter coats and went to the cutest restaurant and where we had lunch. We were able to connect and we found that we really did have a great connection and from there our friendship and relationship began. Lisa is the creator of the Evolving Nest. She is a writer and speaker who encourages women and couples who are moving into the empty nest life. Lisa is a mom of three children. Her one child has moved 1500 miles away to start their career. The good news is he is only about 30 minutes from his sister who is in college and Lisa and her husband have one child who is 25 at home, living his best life and working and living a very independent life. So Lisa and her husband get to enjoy what they want to do during this fabulous time of empty nesting. Lisa, I am so glad you’re here today. I always love talking with you!
Lisa
I do too! Just from the very beginning you just dove deep and have kept diving deep ever since. So it’s really been such a blessing and that was the biggest blessings to come out of that you know, whole wonderful experience is your friendship.
Susan
Well thank you, that gave me goosebumps and because I really know that you say that genuinely and that you mean it and you’re 100% correct. When we sat down at that lunch table, we hardly knew each other. I mean, we knew each other’s name right? But we had wonderful meaningful conversations about life, about raising children. We even touched on politics. And you know, that’s something I don’t do often with those who are extremely close to me, right but it was just incredible. And every time we talk, I learned something new or we continue to get a little bit closer. So that is awesome.
Lisa
Yeah, you know, and isn’t that what’s so important right now, is the deep conversations. I mean, I think there’s a point and it really hit me when I was about 50 and I have some really neat friends surrounding me. Right but you just don’t have time for the superficial. And you know, unfortunately, a lot of us at the same age are you know, anytime it seems like a lot of women say after 40 for me, I really felt it in my whole friendship community after 50 where everybody just wants to be real and be accepted as who they are and just get rid of the anything that’s junk.
Susan
I agree and I think too Lisa, COVID really caused us to stop and think about what it is we want in life right. And especially as midlife women I believe we found that we craved meaningful relationships. I believe we do that when we hit midlife like you were saying, but I think it became really apparent when we had to stop and we had that time to think and pause and evaluate. Exactly, you know which is a blessing.
Lisa
It is a blessing. And you know, what I’ve heard over and over from people is it either brought people closer or it pulled people apart. For the most part, I think it brought people together, you know, with our young adult children having to stay home you know, they didn’t like it. I heard from most parents, the moms with littles, that’s a whole different story. For the older kids, it was so nice to have them home, and you really had to give them their early independence because they were having to be around you much more than they anticipated.
Susan
Absolutely. Ah, I talked about that, that I can’t imagine having had high schoolers. My children were born so close together, that we had a 7th, 8th, 10th and a 12th grader at one time and I can’t imagine if I’d had to have them home all the time and homeschool and oversee that and then to think of them as they had gone to college and then had to come home as colleges were closing. You know, I think that was a really challenging time for those age groups but for all of us in all ways but I think they were. Lisa, before we dive deeper I would like to ask you one question. I love hearing stories of the women I chat with about their childhood or teenage memories or something growing up. Would you take a moment and just share with the listeners one of your favorite childhood stories that will give a glimpse into who you are?
Lisa
Yeah, I just love this question and I thought a lot about it. There’s a few different ways I can go but you know, I’m one of six kids. So I come from a family of eight, big family. My parents had four biological children and adopted two from Vietnam. And my dad was in sales and traveled quite a bit but loves to ski and both my parents made a point that all of us are going to ski and so the way that he could do that with six kids was to work all week and then come up and be a volunteer ski instructor. And so all eight of us skied every weekend on Mount Hood in Oregon. It’s Timberline Lodge for those that have been out there, it’s a very historic place. And I just have such wonderful memories and that’s the funny part of all that is that they would divide us up by littles and bigs. You know nowadays, I don’t think the parents would leave the kids but we were just a free for all and we were supposed to meet up at lunch. So, they would send the littles who were like kindergarten, first grade, second grade, they go off and ski together and then the big kids got to ski together and I think my parents would just, it wasn’t a huge ski resort especially at that time. I think they would just run the runs and kind of look for us and what have you, you know, no helmets. You know, we just were just out there but it was so much fun. And the funny part is, is that my dad, both my parents said you know if you’re not if you’re not carrying all your ski equipment, you’re not skiing. And so we were always very responsible for our own ski equipment. So when my wife and I wanted our kids to ski, we tried that with our kids and they’re like, oh, well then we don’t want to ski.
Susan
This story reminds me of a story from years and years ago. You know, as I mentioned earlier, my four children were born within five years. So, so the oldest was not five when number four was born. Well when you have four children that close together, doing things for yourself becomes very important, you know, and we did not enable them in a lot of ways. Well, talking about skiing, we skied, but we also in North Carolina, when you get a big snow it’s like a big deal that the town stops and everybody sleds and everybody builds snowman and you build fires and you have coffee and tea, other things. It’s just a wonderful community time. Well, my oldest daughter had a friend who was an only child and she was spending the night with us and we were all getting ready to go out for our night event. And she brings her boots to my husband and she’s like here, I need you to put these on me. He’s like, oh, no, you do that yourself in this house. We don’t do that for people. I mean, when he was just used to that right whereas my children were exact, I mean, half the time William would have his shoes on the wrong feet and we’d tell him to switch them and he wouldn’t and we let him be. You know, so find them super fun. Well, I love what you’re doing with that Evolving Nest and I love the message that you’re sending out there because I know for me personally, when I took my youngest to college, we came home and Jimmy went right on back to work right. I have worked in and out of the home all of my children’s life. I’ve done something to earn money. But yet, there were many times when I did stay at home. And when we took William to college, I came back, Jimmy goes to work and I look around I’m like who am I? I was totally lost. So I love the work that you’re doing. And we have also talked about what we did, do as a couple to be able to transition when we had all this time together that we weren’t used to. What is one of the biggest lessons you’ve learned about transitioning to be in an empty nester?
Lisa
Transition early and often. I I look at some of the work my husband and I have done, you know through marriage counseling and although it might have started fifteen years ago out of a challenging situation, our marriage if you’re going to be married thirty years like we have known each other longer than that, you’re going to have challenges and so I really, I really applaud my husband because it’s unusual for the man to say hey, I think we need help. But you know, fifteen years ago, we started on this journey and then we’ve done maintenance since. And so what maintenance does is it allows you to say hey, you know, like in the intro, you talked about my oldest, he has autism and other related disabilities and so that has been a lifelong process. And even within our home, we tried to get him to be as independent as possible.
So I would just say, really prepare. I mean, the : Institute who is just a premier counseling organization for married couples and for couples in general, says that most couples wait about seven years. So the seventh graders that are out there if you have a seventh grader, seven years later, is one of the first big waves is when the final kid leaves the nest and then a couple looks at each other and says I’m not doing this for another fifty years. And if you don’t want to get to that point, you know, I am an avoider by nature. And so I avoided a lot of – I could have just kept avoiding it. If my husband hadn’t said you know I think we need help and then the joke became but it was good. It was kind of a half joke. The joke became, you know, we got to like each other when the kids are kids are gone.
Susan
That’s no joke. That’s no joke. Yeah.
Lisa
And we love to travel and we do have a wonderful gal that stays with our son when we’re gone. And so I didn’t intentionally put a lot of effort into my marriage because of empty nesting. But I have already done that. And then the second thing came from my mom, who of course raised six kids. And she is 83 and still has her real estate license. Yeah. And she told me when my youngest was probably a sophomore in high school, right, she said, Lisa, whatever you do, because we’re talking about all these ideas I have. Whatever you do, start it before she leaves and that was wonderful advice and maybe you know moms listening you’re thinking oh my gosh senior year is so hectic it is but least start thinking about it. Right or talking to friends you know about it. Maybe you just need a break and you don’t want to do anything. You know, that’s fine, too. But there’s a lot of women that are looking to start businesses. Maybe they want to write a book, maybe they want to get into art, maybe they want to become personal trainers. There’s all these different things. And the sooner you start thinking about it the biggest you know, suggestion I can do is, you know is prepare early.
Susan
Exactly, there are a couple of things I think you and I have talked about this when our youngest was maybe a sophomore or junior in high school. He was in the marching band and he played in another band. So he was gone a lot as are most high school kids, right. But Jimmy and I looked at each other and I’m like, Hey, I really want to know you. I really want to stay married to you. What do we have to do to ensure we will survive? Oh, you know, as a couple. And you know, you mentioned it earlier we started dating. I mean, we went on a weekly date night and it was kind of funny because I’m really the planner in the house. And Jimmy is not but what I said was okay, we’ll do this, but I am not planning every single event or every single dinner out. You know what we’re going to go out on this night of the week, and I’ll do the first and third month and y’all do that first and third week and you do the second and fourth. And I know that sounds kind of regimented. But it gave both of us direction and we knew what to expect. And then we were able to go out and get to know each other again because we were able to spend time together.
Lisa
No, I think that’s beautiful. And in some things it’s just intention like you know, like for you it was planning and setting dates, right because I travel with my husband. You know there were getaways, and often the meetings and things were at nice places. And so you know we have those things to look forward to or we go up to our little cabin and you know, in the mountains and that’s another way you know today together, right having that attention. Right and thinking through all the things that connect you absolutely to Missy, you know, and in talking about that. I mean, that’s probably one of the biggest suggestions I can give couples if you are not talking about your intimacy, start talking about your intimacy. Yeah, I’m I’m always I guess not surprised but but it’s always 5050 and in groups that when I’ve been a moderator in terms of who’s kind of talking about that and negotiating it, and there’s physical changes that come with age, there’s time commitments that exactly all of that needs to be negotiated. And so talking through a lot of these things, which probably you did, on these dates, you know, we have to know each other again, you know, just it’s such a special time and you really have to write as if if you don’t I was just listening to a retirement specialists say the second big wave. Well, I mean, I think there’s first ones seven years but another big wave after high school, right is when the primary breadwinner retires.
Susan
Oh, interesting.
Lisa
Because often that 65/70, and couples look at each other and say, hmm, I might only have 10 or 15 more good years and I’m not sure I want to send them with you. And if you don’t want that to happen, then I really encourage you to get in with a counselor, a life coach, a pastor, somebody who can help you work through some of the challenges or just prepare or maybe you’re not having challenges. We don’t always go into our counselor with challenges. It’s like, just talking about what’s going on in our life. You know, my husband’s taking on a big project. We have two kids that are 1500 miles away, and we have a son with autism that we want to have the fullest life possible. So this is real life.
Susan
Absolutely. And you know, what I’m hearing in our conversation is, it really doesn’t matter what we do, like you can do a date. Sometimes our date night was a dinner at home. We have a deck we’d love to sit on it. It might have been a cookout, you know, a hamburger and a hot dog or it might have been a more fancy dinner or there were times we read a book like he would read the book and I would read the book and then we’d sit down and read the book together. I mean, discuss about the book, not read it together, or you can do more. Do other things such as take a nice trip or travel with your husband or whatever. It doesn’t matter the key word I think I heard you say is intention. You have to intentionally be prepared to A become an empty nester so you can do life and live life fully enjoying your companion. Right. As well as getting to know who you who you are personally. Because I feel like especially for women, this is just really our time to get to be who we are created to be. We don’t have to be a full time mom in the fact that we’re wiping noses and changing diapers or getting to school or sports or whatever. Right. So I love that. Is there anything else you would like to add in there before we move on?
Lisa
Oh, well, definitely. I mean, I think you know, we don’t. We don’t really recruit empty nesters. Well, first of all, an empty nest is really never empty. I call it our revolving door.
Physical revolving door of kids coming back and doing. Or just like last night, you know my daughter FaceTimed us. My husband and I are both talking to her. She said, oh my gosh, let me see if you know her brother’s available and then she got her other brother on we’re all on together. And so here we were. You know, two of us on the West Coast and two of us in the middle of the country, two in the middle of the country. But we were all together talking. And so, but back to what you were saying about women kind of coming into this time. I do think we really have to have this awareness that we haven’t had because we have been so busy with littles. And whether you’re working inside or outside the house, and I also was working outside the house but even prior to COVID it was an online opportunity to reflect philanthropy for a car dealership. And so all that was emails and what have you, but it kept me busy as I transitioned into the evolving nest, but I think it’s so important to kind of take inventory of our lives and look at what’s working for us what’s not. If it’s bringing us joy. You know what’s not all of these different things. Because yes, we can go to marriage counseling, but if we don’t feel good about ourselves, and I don’t know about you, but this was a time when I really had to start thinking about what I was telling myself. I mean I would get up every morning and tell myself things about the way I ate yesterday and the fact that I didn’t you know work out and I didn’t get everything done on my to do list. I would never say that to my daughter or friends. I would say what I was saying it wasn’t like I was using swear words at myself. But just to wake up and the first thing you think about is what you didn’t get done the day before, is very defeating and I did that for decades. So I really had to unwind. You know why I was doing that and how can I replace that you know, with a different message and part of it was you know, having a daughter and thinking I wouldn’t want her to say these things to herself. Exactly. Why am I saying that and where did they come from,
Susan
The bigger question. Where did these messages come from? They come from childhood, teenage years. We carry a lot of baggage that oftentimes we don’t even realize we’re carrying. Exactly.
So Lisa, you’ve worked. Of course you’ve worked in the home. I think any woman works in her home. You’ve worked outside of the home, you’ve raised three children. What have you done throughout life to create work life harmony? I think of it not really as balanced. Oftentimes, when you think about balance, you’re sort of standing on that fence, right? But with harmony, it’s like a beautiful symphony plane. And sometimes all the instruments are in perfect tune and it’s absolutely gorgeous. Other times we kind of get out of tune, one instrument playing louder than the other. But typically it’s only for a measure. We come back to that beautiful symphony. What have you done to keep work life harmony?
Lisa
Oh, goodness, I want to be completely transparent up until maybe 2,3,4 years, okay, I didn’t do a lot. You know, I wore busyness as a badge of honor.
I was always like “oh, I am just being busy. I’m busy.” You know?
Susan
That’s a goose bump. Moment. I’ve got those goosebumps because I’ve been there too.
Lisa
You know, and I was just a doer. I mean, my mom is 83. You know, my parents are workaholics. I know that. You came from some very hard working people yourself. And you were with six kids. We were never supposed to be lazy. You’re always busy. And so I took this in, you know, to my life and felt like if I wasn’t busy, I wasn’t enough right. I started probably unraveling that in my 40s but as far as this work life balance in this harmony, which I’ve never put a name to it. I didn’t until I met you and I love this. Because balance never seemed quite right. But I didn’t know what it was. But for me, it’s all about awareness. Like if I am getting stressed out about something now there’s expected excitement like getting getting on a podcast with you. I should be a little bit nervous and excited. Right then if you know you’ve just run into someone in the store and you feel stressed come over you, right. Why did that happen? Or, or someone calls or there’s something you need to do. Anyhow, I just think so often, so many of us go through the motions and we don’t think about what’s really happening and so I think it’s so important to look at, you know, what brings us joy. What’s exciting, yeah, drains us. And so for me, one of the things I did as a doer is you always hear personal trainers say you know or just exercise people in general I have a personal trainer but just in general say first thing in the morning and work out. Well, it kind of threw my day off.I needed to get up and I needed to have coffee. I love coffee. I needed to have coffee. I needed to have quiet time. I needed to have a little devotional. I needed, and this wasn’t a long time, maybe 30-45 minutes, but I’m not a morning person. So I needed to wake up and then decide, okay, I do need to work out but let’s work out at 9am or 8am pretty consistently and so that’s what I needed and it all comes back to awareness.
Susan
Love that are so I love that and I will tell you Jimmy says I get up to sit in the morning. He’s like, you just get up to sit and I’m like yes I do because those exact things. I have to start out my day grounded. So I start, I don’t drink some coffee but I do drink tea. But I start you know with meditation, quiet time. Sometimes I sit and hold my tea. I don’t know what I’m thinking about but I’m just sitting and it’s my way of easing into the day or easing into the morning but I love that awareness. You know, I’m I know that you are here to illuminate yourself and illuminate others and inspire women as we’re transitioning. What is something that you do every day for your radiant soul to shine something for yourself? Or every week it doesn’t have to be every day.
Oh my goodness. Lisa, I’ve so enjoyed our conversation so far. And I know that we have one more question. But before we get to that I would love for you to tell the listeners how they can connect with you.
Lisa
Oh, and I would love for them to check out my site, which is The Evolving Nest with Lisa Speers on Facebook and the Evolving Nest on Instagram and I know you’ll put my website and things in the show notes.
Yes, everything will be in this in the show notes. No problem. If this episode has you thinking about how to put yourself first while living your life on purpose and creating work life harmony. Be sure to connect with me on my socials @ SusanCrewCo. Go to my website, Susancrewsco.com and schedule a time to chat if you’d like to go a little bit deeper. So Lisa, I’ve learned a lot from you. I love what you have to say. But thinking about what you’ve already shared and what is left. What is the one thing for the listeners today that you could share that might be the biggest tip or a great piece of advice that could support them in transitioning into becoming an empty nester?
Lisa
I think the biggest thing, and we kind of discussed this and being prepared in all the different areas of your life. For those that are struggling to think. I think that whole idea of finding our passion, is kind of stressful for some people. And so if you’re struggling with that, like I was. The best advice I received from a life coach a few years ago was just do something. And it was so simple at the time I dismissed it and I didn’t really even like take it to heart for a couple years. But what happens is, that if you’re like myself and the idea of just do it. Like I know it just do it women, they decide on something and they just do it. And that wasn’t me. I needed to think through. I needed to take baby steps. And so the just do it idea, what that really looks like is you see a concert coming into town. Call your friends and all of you get tickets and go to the concert. Or grab your husband and find a new trail to hike. And so you’re not really finding your passion but you’re going and doing things and you’re taking the stress away from it.
And I’ll tell you a very quick story. I was at a Tim McGraw concert with a bunch of girlfriends. We were having this conversation this was a number of years ago. And I said I wanted to get back into writing. And they all had ideas. You should write a book you should do this. You should do you know all these different things and they all seemed too big. And so one of them said okay, well I have a friend that took an art class at a senior center when you go take a writing class at a senior center. Well, a lot of these “seniors” and I’m using quotation marks in the air are now our age. And these women could write. I mean, I don’t know what I was thinking by that it was going to be easier. It was easier. It was nice. They were incredibly welcoming. But they were amazing writers and super supportive. But each thing that I’ve done, I mean I wouldn’t be sitting here today with you I’m not sure if I hadn’t taken that writing class because each little step and it started with a typical rock concert which has nothing to do with, you know, anything we’re talking about. But it’s all connected and try and get out there and start doing things and ask your friends. You know, what am I good at? What do you know, what do you do when you think of me? What do you think about and maybe you can’t be doing XYZ right away but you can take that first little baby step and it all starts with doing something so my biggest recommendation is just do something.
Susan
I love that. I really, really love that. I love the fact that you mentioned girlfriends, what do you think I’m good at? And I can tell you. You may be really surprised at what your friends say.
I had to call my friends from a conference one time it was a very small workshop. And when the facilitator said you need to call your five closest friends and ask them what are you good at I almost panic you know and I’m not one that really gets a panic attack. I thought, I don’t want to ask them. I don’t want to hear what they say. But I was floored by what they told me when I asked that question.
So, powerful question. Thank you for bringing that to the forefront of our minds and listeners. That could be an incredible journey journaling prompt as well. Ask yourself, what do you think you’re good at and then seek from others how they perceive you. So thank you, Lisa. This has been so much fun. I always love chatting. We have great conversations and it is a pleasure and a privilege to be able to call you my friend. Listeners, if you have enjoyed today I would love for you to be sure and check out the Evolving Nest on Instagram and the Evolving Nests with Lisa Speers on Facebook. Remember, that will be in our show notes. And be sure to tune in next time when we shine the light on another amazing radiant soul sister. Until then, I’m Susan Crews, your host and remember you can find all of the resources, episodes, and our community at my website, SusanCrewsCo.com.
Ways to connect with Lisa:
- Visit Lisa’s Website: https://evolvingnestwithlisa.com
- Connect with Lisa on Instagram: @the_evolvingnest
- Connect with Lisa on Facebook: The Evolving Nest with Lisa Speers
